Aha!

by Anandasagara Sarasvati

Om hrim durgayai namaha!!

Jai ma durga!!!

During retreat last summer I felt like I had many “Aha!” moments, but an epiphany is only as good as how hard you work it afterwards. So, I have put myself to work with two main focuses – second attention, and working with emotional reactivity.

I had my “Aha” moment about second attention while sitting around the fire with Guruji. This was after the official retreat was over and we were sitting around relaxing, talking, and digging into the more subtle aspects of the teachings. Suddenly Guruji cut through our “human realm” conversation and said “Who has second attention right now?”. We all fell silent – and I finally got it. In day-to-day life we get sucked into one realm after another but by keeping second attention we remain centered in our experience. If we can hold second attention we don’t get easily pulled from one realm to another, we have a wedge that reminds us of who we really are underneath the game – reminds us of our unconditioned, pure energy behind the story. To quote from Tantraloka: “The most important practice for any Tantrika is to cultivate an unbroken ‘second attention.’ This allows us the freedom to choose dharmic activity or inactivity without ignorant compulsion.” Oh crap, guess I have to really start working this second attention thing.

My “Aha” moment with emotional reactivity came during one of the formal teachings during retreat. I finally understood that our emotions are our energy. They are what we have to work with. Why would I throw all of that energy away reacting about a boy or a bad driver when I can digest that energy and use it for the benefit of all beings? This energy of time/space is what I have available to work with to REALIZE. I cannot throw it out anymore. I must digest it. There is obviously part of me (a big part) that gets off on my emotions (hello second cakra), but nobody said this path was easy, so I have to retrain the way I deal with my emotional energy.

All that being said, I try from moment to moment to maintain second attention. When I lapse and notice that I am becoming emotionally reactive, I apply different techniques for using that energy. Taking this into my real life, I thought I would share how I dealt with a recent break-up. (Damn year of fire pig…but hooray for earth rat!)

Here goes:

Waves of grief are rolling over me. Wait, I mean, I feel heaviness in my chest. Constriction. Tight. Breathing…in and out. Remembering that these sensations do not belong to me, they belong to the universe. I do not own them, they merely exist. Slowly the constriction relaxes, I feel emptiness, a hole in the center of my chest. Nothing bad or good about it, just spaciousness. Then the mind kicks in…I start remembering my story… a feeling of rage flashes up. Wait, I mean I feel heat rushing up, a burning in my chest, a tickle in my throat. These sensations do not belong to me; they are a part of the universe. They exist. Slowly the burning sensation relaxes. I sit down to practice. I start double breathing. The emotions boil up…but I take away the story and now it’s just energy. I breathe in, taking them to the heart center feeling deep devotion and compassion, asking for the grace to transform this energy, to not throw it away as another “sakti leak” but to use it for growth. Take it down to manipura, feeling vajra pride. Down to the bottom, asking to transform, to grow beyond any limitations, beyond anything I know. Send it up the back. Repeat.

Later in bed, the same story repeats in my head. The break up talk…what did he say, how did I respond, puzzling over my mistakes, his mistakes. I realize what I’m doing and make a concerted effort not to go there. There is obviously something about this groove that I’m getting off on, and I’m not going to give it anymore of my energy. I close the mandala, roll onto my side and sleep.

Wake up in the morning – the story is still there. I divest myself of the story so that the ego is no longer in the reaction. Get out of bed, sit to practice. Double breathe and use that sakti for growth, not waste. During the day, if I start to think about the break up I just don’t let my mind go there. It’s like trying not to scratch an itch but I do not want to strengthen that groove, I want to digest it. I remain with my second attention. I think to myself, “the same energy that binds you is the same energy that releases you.” I keep working it.

Looking back I have to say that breaking up with someone does create a lot of space – it was a really deep time of practice for me. Another thing that really helped me was reading “Song of Confidences” every morning. But that could be a whole new article, let’s just say I highly recommend revisiting it!